By
Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Were you born with the ability to feel others' feelings? I was, and
one of the issues that I had to face was that not everyone is empathic.
This
was very confusing to me as a child. In school, I often saw children
bullying and making fun of another child. The more the child cried, the
more fun they made of him or her. It broke my heart and I would often
try to come to the child's rescue. I was deeply perplexed at how these
bullying children could stand feeling the pain of the child or the
animal they were hurting. Couldn't they feel the pain?
I was
perplexed too with my parents, who obviously couldn't feel my pain. How
was that possible? Why could I feel their pain and they couldn't feel
mine? I had the same experience in my marriage and it took me many more
years to understand that some people either lack the ability to feel
empathy, or they shut it down so early in their lives that they have no
access to it.
I tend to believe that everyone is capable of
empathy, but I don't know this for sure. What I do know is that many
people have learned to shut down their feelings to such an extent that
they can't feel even their own feelings - and they certainly can't feel
others' feelings.
It's disconcerting to discover that your partner lacks empathy. This is the situation that Georgia found herself in:
"I
was recently involved with a narcissistic man who was completely unable
to empathize/care or even think about my feelings and needs. Sometimes I
would have to explain how his behavior was affecting me and he would
eventually acknowledge he could see how I might feel, but never changed
the behavior. Can someone be taught empathy or if they don't have that
ability, they never will?"
Being the optimist that I am, I think
it's possible for people to learn empathy, but they would have to go
through an in-depth therapeutic process of reconnecting with their own
feelings first, and learning to love themselves. In my experience,
narcissistic people often do not think they have a problem - It's always
the other person who has the problem. Because they believe they are
fine and others are "messed up," they are rarely motivated to do the
inner work necessary to open to their feelings and to others' feelings.
They likely shut down their feelings when they were very young and they
might not realize that they lack empathy.
If you are with a
partner who is narcissistic and lacks empathy, don't count on this
changing. You need to either accept that this person will likely never
truly care about your feelings and the effect their behavior has on you,
or you need to leave. Trying to change a person who currently lacks the
ability to feel empathy is a waste of time and energy.
Sometimes,
a highly sensitive person who shut down their feelings early in life
may suddenly find themselves feeling empathy, but I've not seen this
occur very often, so it's not something to count on.
One of the
hardest things to deal with in a relationship is when you can see the
beautiful essence of your partner, but your partner can't see his or her
own essence - or yours. Many people go into relationships because they
fall in love with the essence of a person, only to find out that the
person's narcissistic wounded self is in charge most of the time. I've
often said that we need to be able to acknowledge and tolerate a
person's wounded self - putting it into perspective - in order to create
a loving relationship with them. If you are attracted to someone who
has narcissistic tendencies, but are unable to put their narcissism and
lack of empathy into a healthy perspective,, then that person isn't for
you - no matter how much you love their essence. Being in a relationship
with a narcissist is never easy, and it's especially difficult for
someone with empathic tendencies.
* * * * *
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of
eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and
"Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner
Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site
for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
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